


In Which John is Incredibly Impatient Over his Barista Boyfriend

by saintjoy



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Ahhh yes just like old times, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Fluff, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Pesterlog
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-05
Updated: 2014-01-05
Packaged: 2018-01-07 15:24:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1121459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saintjoy/pseuds/saintjoy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>EB: get ready, karkat, because we're about to enter the super hot interspecies cybersexings 2.0.<br/>EB: so, what are you wearing?<br/>CG: AN APRON THE COLOR OF YOUR VOMIT AFTER GORGING ON LIME JELLO FOR 2 HOURS STRAIGHT.<br/>EB: hot.<br/>EB: anything else?<br/>CG: NO. I AM STANDING IN THE COFFEE SHOP WEARING AN APRON AND NOTHING ELSE.<br/>CG: JUST WAITING FOR YOU TO TAKE OFF THE ONE PESKY ARTICLE OF CLOTHING KEEPING MY GENITALS FROM BEING THOROUGHLY MOLESTED BY YOUR OH-SO-DEXTROUS FINGERS.<br/>EB: awesome.<br/>EB: see, we're off to a great start!<br/>EB: i'm proud. :)<br/>CG: |:B</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Which John is Incredibly Impatient Over his Barista Boyfriend

**Author's Note:**

> Alternate title: In Which John Sucks at Cybersexing

**—ectoBiologist [ EB] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 12:04— **

**EB: hey!**

**EB: you there?**

**EB: karkat.**

**EB: karkaaaaaat.**

**EB: i know you're there, your trolltag is on rancorous as always.**

**EB: karkat.**

**EB: karkat!**

**EB: stop serving up your fancy chocolate whipped cream orange cinnamon spice lattes for a second and answer me.**

**EB: karkat.**

**EB: i'll shred your dumb serendipity poster.**

**EB: for real this time.**

**EB: i won't even photocopy it.**

**CG: DON'T YOU DARE.**

**EB: there you are!**

**EB: i knew you would respond to the call of your nerdy romcoms ;)**

**EB: are you busy?**

**CG: OF COURSE NOT.**

**CG: WHY WOULD YOU THINK I'M BUSY, SEEING THAT I'M NOT CURRENTLY JUGGLING THREE FAT-FREE HALF-AND-HALF MILK TEAS UNDER ONE ARMPIT, NOR AM I COMPULSIVELY SUCKING ON MY HAND FROM THE 2ND-DEGREE BURN I SUSTAINED BY SPECTACULARLY POURING HOT COFFEE ALL OVER MYSELF IN AN ATTEMPT TO RESPOND TO YOU FASTER.**

**CG: THERE IS MOST CERTAINLY NOT A LINE THAT IS HALFWAY OUT THE DOOR AND THERE ISN'T A GROUP OF PRETEEN ACNE CREAM COMMERCIAL BEFORE-TREATMENT ACTRESSES DRUMMING THEIR RAPTOR CLAWS ALL ALONG THE COUNTER I JUST WAXED THIS MORNING.**

**CG: IT'S NOT THE MIDDAY RUSH OR ANYTHING, NO, JUST A SLOW DAY WHERE THE MANAGER IS NOT RAMMING HIS BULGE UP MY ASS TO GET THESE DIABETES-INDUCING HAZELNUT MACCHIATOS TO TABLE FIVE BEFORE HE RIPS MY APRON OFF MY TORSO AND FIRES ME WITHOUT EVEN GIVING ME MY LAST PAYCHECK.**

**CG: YES, JOHN, I MIGHT BE JUST A *LITTLE FUCKING BUSY*.**

**EB: i'd like to ram my bulge up your ass.**

**CG: OH NO.**

**CG: DO NOT START.**

**CG: DO YOU REMEMBER THE LAST TIME YOU TRIED TO CYBERSEX WITH ME, JOHN?**

**EB: is cybersex even a verb?**

**CG: SUFFICE TO SAY, BECAUSE I WOULD RATHER NOT COME HOME WITH BANDAGES AROUND MY LACERATED HANDS DUE TO MY OWN PREOCCUPATION WITH REPLYING TO YOU, IT ENDED BADLY.**

**CG: SO SHUT UP.**

**EB: you seem to be perfectly fine handling all your coffee shop stuff while still texting me.**

**EB: it's almost making me think you want me to try sexting you again.**

**EB: you there?**

**EB: karkat?**

**EB: hehehe, guess i'll start then.**

**CG: HOW ABOUT YOU GO SHOVE MY SERENDIPITY POSTER DOWN YOUR THROAT, SINCE YOU'RE SO EAGER TO SACRIFICE IT FOR MY ATTENTION AND I'M SO EAGER FOR YOU TO BE QUIET.**

**CG: IT'S A WIN-WIN SITUATION.**

**EB: nope.**

**EB: i'm totally gonna do this.**

**EB: get ready, karkat, because we're about to enter the super hot interspecies cybersexings 2.0.**

**EB: so, what are you wearing?**

**CG: AN APRON THE COLOR OF YOUR VOMIT AFTER GORGING ON LIME JELLO FOR 2 HOURS STRAIGHT.**

**EB: hot.**

**EB: anything else?**

**CG: NO. I AM STANDING IN THE COFFEE SHOP WEARING AN APRON AND NOTHING ELSE.**

**CG: JUST WAITING FOR YOU TO TAKE OFF THE ONE PESKY ARTICLE OF CLOTHING KEEPING MY GENITALS FROM BEING THOROUGHLY MOLESTED BY YOUR OH-SO-DEXTROUS FINGERS.**

**EB: awesome.**

**EB: see, we're off to a great start!**

**EB: i'm proud. :)**

**CG: |:B**

**EB: i'm not wearing anything.**

**CG: I EXPECTED NO LESS, BEING THAT YOU'RE THE LUCKY BILGESNIFFER THAT'S AT OUR HIVE, PRESUMABLY IN OUR CONCUPISCENT COUCH WITH THE HEATING PAD OVER YOUR FEET.**

**EB: hey, that actually sounds pretty nice.**

**EB: you should come home and join me.**

**EB: and bring some hot chocolate from your job, since you have that employee discount card.**

**CG: AS MUCH AS I'D LIKE TO GET OUT OF THIS HELLHOLE AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE, MY SHIFT DOESN'T END UNTIL 4.**

**CG: YOU KNOW THAT, IDIOT.**

**EB: awwww.**

**EB: but c'mooon.**

**EB: you work there every day, can't you just go home early this one time?**

**CG: WRONG. YOU'VE LURED ME HOME TWICE BEFORE ALREADY.**

**EB: /rolls eyes**

**EB: fine, guess you just don't want to snuggle with me.**

**EB: that's okay.**

**EB: there's a reason why i got the body pillow in the mail, anyways.**

**CG: OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE.**

**CG: STOP BEING SUCH A WRIGGLER.**

**CG: JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT GETTING WHAT YOU WANT IMMEDIATELY DOESN'T MEAN YOU'LL NEVER GET IT.**

**CG: WHEN I COME HOME, OK?**

**EB: hmph.**

**EB: please?**

**CG: ADFGHAFGFHHFAJHGFSJ;;**

**CG: REALLY? YOU'RE REALLY MAKING ME DO THIS.**

**EB: yep.**

**EB: i'll make dinner tonight.**

**CG: YOU WONDERFUL APESHITTING DICKWAD.**

**CG: FINE.**

**CG: I'LL BE HOME IN HALF AN HOUR.**

**EB: hehehehe.**

**EB: see you soon. <3**

**—carcinoGeneticist [ CG] ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB] at 12:37 —**

**—carcinoGeneticist [ CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] at 12:37 —**

**CG: <3**

**—carcinoGeneticist [ CG] ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB] at 12:38—**

**Author's Note:**

> A Johnkat Secret Santa 2013 gift for [Ann](http://nothingislocked.tumblr.com/) u3u


End file.
